Croc! (2022) (2022)

Sian Altman, Mark Haldor, George Nettleton, Antonia Whillans,
Deep in the English countryside, Lisa and Charlie prepare for their wedding at a Tudor mansion. But an angry crocodile lies in wait, determined to ruin their big day.
  • 2.7 /10.0 IMDB Rating:
  • DatePublished:
  • 2022-10-05 Added:
  • Writer:
  • Paul W. Franklin, Director:
  • Rhys Water, Scott Jeffrey, Producer:

Trailer:

2 / 10

Sluggish, slow-paced and generally very generic...

Well, I can't say that I had actually heard anything about this 2022 movie titled "Croc!" (aka "Crocodile Vengeance") from writer and director Paul W. Franklin, nor seen any trailer or as much as heard a single word. But the movie's cover seemed fairly interesting enough to actually make me want to give the movie a gander. However, I have to admit that I wasn't harboring any expectations, because a lot of these monstrous creature - or killer animals - features tends to be dubious movies at best.

Writer and director Paul W. Franklin managed to deliver a very, very generic creature feature with "Croc!", and even for a movie of this genre then "Croc!" was just bland and amazingly generic. Pretty simplistic storyline really, which worked out well enough, but the movie just felt shallow and sort of pointless really, as "Croc!" didn't offer anything that haven't already been seen and done in other crocodile-based movies.

The acting in "Croc!" was pretty wooden and rigid for the most parts, making the performances on the screen seem sluggish and sort of amateurish. And that wasn't exactly helping to promote "Croc!"

And writer and director Paul W. Franklin had a little bit too much focus on lewd sex scenes, which absolutely meant nothing to the storyline or script, nor helped promote the narrative in any manner. It just felt pointless and ridiculous, and it was something that was very unnecessary to include in the movie.

Now, with "Croc!" being a monstrous creature feature, then of course having believable crocodiles in the movie would be a must. Right? Right! Well, guess what? They didn't have believable crocodiles in the movie, not even believable CGI animated crocodiles. Nay. What they did have, however, was rather poorly animated CGI crocodiles that lacked anything to make them realistic or believable. The way they moved seemed so wrong, and it felt like certainly scenes of the crocodile opening its maw and flapping its tongue around was copied and pasted into the movie at various points throughout the 84 minutes that "Croc!" ran for.

Yeah, "Croc!" was not an impressive foray into the monstrous creature feature. It was a slow paced and sluggish movie which came without notice and will disappear into the mists of oblivion without notice.

My rating of "Croc!" lands on a generous two out of ten stars.

6 / 10

An underwhelming if watchable genre effort

Gathering together at a remote country house, a bride-to-be and her friends prepare for their upcoming wedding plans, but when their festivities are crashed by a massive flesh-eating alligator on the wedding grounds they're forced to extreme measures to get out of the situation alive.

This was a decent enough if overall flawed genre effort. The fun of this one is pretty much relegated almost exclusively to the concept of the massive croc being able to pull off the kinds of attacks it does in one of the most ludicrous and cheesy means possible. The creature's ability to sneak up on people in what would've been in full view of others but don't notice it until it's snapped them down becomes immensely cheesy here as this goes on with the creature appearing out of nowhere to savagely bite someone to pieces in a massive blood-spray. With the film going for a high-energy tempo here with the initial ambush happening quite early in the film and not acting as if it's snatching stragglers around the compound where no one will find them, it's quite fun once it gets going with the attacks taking place and constantly forcing them into a means of defense in order to escape which adds a nice level of cheese and camp to everything. That said, there are some big issues that hold this one down. One of the bigger drawbacks involves the overall lazy means through which this one keeps the group in danger at the mansion. Almost immediately after their stay, a couple is attacked by the creature and manage to get a full view of the creature's appetite by watching it devour someone whole, yet the incident is brushed over and ignored for the lamest of reasons instead of alerting everyone in ear-shot that a vicious animal is loose. Several lies stretching the truth would've been fine to cover their tracks while still providing enough motive to bring about a means of tactics to either barricade themselves for help to arrive or to go on a hunting trip to find and stop it. Other means of stupidity like this run rampant throughout the rest of the film beyond this one moment and the whole thing comes off quite underwhelming. The other issue to be had here is the means through which this tries to make the flimsy story have enough excess work done to keep its running time up to a normal length. The sidestories here are plain uninteresting, from the stereotypical unfaithful groom who's out to sleep with every member of the bridal party, the equally sleazy single father that sleeps with everyone he comes across, and the eventual reveal of everything that results in an endless melodrama about these stories coming to light all give this an inherently cliched and unexciting setup. As well, there are also the usual problems involving the lackluster CGI that follows the expected and usual setups including those that don't fit into the screen, the constant bits of splotchy graphics that don't look completely rendered in the slightest, or come together with the usual realistic actions with what they're making the croc pull off. Overall, these manage to bring the film down just enough.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Violence, Graphic Language, Nudity, and a sex scene.

2 / 10

Worse than you thought

First: why is there a minimum text amount? There didn't use to be, and some movies don't require or deserve a long review.

In this case, there isn't much to say except please don't bother unless you're teaching a class on film and want an example with lots of flaws to point out. For this one, the genre only requires horrifying, bloody action sequences. Within ten minutes, which is how long I lasted with this one, it was obvious there's not going to be ny of that, or anything scary or funny, and really nothing to be gained here.

(Aside to the crew: Why?! You had to know how bad this was going to be and that you'd never want to claim it on your resume... no, not so bad it's funny, just bad waste of time and money. Mine too, which is why I'm not going to pull punches or even try to be polite.)

1 / 10

One horrible movie

I would give it -10 if I could, that's how bad this movie was. And that's the only reason I am reviewing it. Otherwise I wouldn't even bother.

Nothing positive about this film. And I haven't seen such awful cgi since 1970's. The story? The acting? The way characters were behaving in this movie???!!! Come on.... And the crock, vicious crock, oh boy... that was really bad, I believe I could create a better crock.

No, I don't recommend this movie. Stay away from this stinker. Watch something else.

I need 600 characters to post my review, I don't know why, some people leave 2 lines and it's ok.

2 / 10

What next? A shark terrorising Surrey?

For years, the Hampshire Freshwater Crocodile (Crocodylus hampshirius) was widely hunted for its valuable skin, which was used in the UK fashion industry for high-end accessories such as designer handbags, belts and watch straps. A ban on the trapping and killing of the endangered animal was introduced in 1990 to try and prevent total extinction, but the last reported sighting of the reptile in the wild was in 1992 and, with captive breeding programs proving unsuccessful, it is now believed to have gone the way of the dodo.

All of the above is a load of crock.

There are no crocodiles in Hampshire. Haven't been any since prehistoric times. But that hasn't stopped writer/director Paul W. Franklin from setting his killer croc movie in my home county, where the most dangerous wild animal is a badger (seriously, those things are mean-tempered). Putting facts to one side for the moment, a giant man-eating crocodile on the loose in the South-East of England could have been a lot of trashy fun. But on this occasion, it isn't.

Franklin places his wholly unconvincing CGI crocodile amongst a group of people attending a wedding at the only venue in the whole of England without wi-fi or a landline; this leaves a handful of survivors trapped in the main building with no means of escape. No explanation is ever given for the existence of a large man-eating crocodile in Hampshire (seriously, not even the old 'pet flushed down the toilet' or 'escaped zoo animal' excuse) or for why it has never been sighted. None of the unlikeable characters display any level of intelligence or ability to stay on their feet when chased by the reptile, and the plot is a tired collection of well-worn cliches, predictable to the very end.

Franklin resorts to giving viewers not one but two gratuitous sex scenes, which hit the right trashy notes, but they come early in the film, and everything that follows is tough to endure thanks to the diabolical script, laughable acting (was the guy who played the reverend actually an actor or a relation of Franklin?), and extremely weak special effects.